What matters is what hasn't been.

For most people, their 20's is amazing.
You *finally* move out of your parents house.
You go to college.
You eat Ramen and wash your clothes in the sink.
You start a "real job."
Meet that special someone.
Buy a house.
Get married.
Have babies.
Yadda yadda yadda.

I did some of that.
But for the most part my 20's were full of struggle.
I did go to college. Briefly. More about that later.

In my early 20's I worked 80 hours a week for $21,000 a year.
(That led to living on several credit cards, an ugly part of my past that I am still dealing with.)
After pouring my soul into that job for 3 years I was suddenly laid off.
2 weeks later my then roommate and dear friend of 13 years, Courtney, died in an automobile accident.
Today is the 3 1/2 year anniversary of her accident.
That's right, I still count the years and the months.
Anyone that has been through a death knows what I'm talking about.
You have your countdowns and numbers, too.
Those numbers that send chills down your spine.
My numbers are 11 and 12.
The 11th was the last day I saw her.
And the 12th was the day she died.
Every month on those days I think about her....the accident.

And then there's days of the week, too.
Saturday was the last day I saw her.
Sundays I think about that sunny Sunday morning when I woke up to 30 missed calls.
And those messages.

The horror of it all.

Trying to find your way back to reality, because surely it's all just a nightmare.
That Monday we went to the accident site and gathered the belongings that had fallen out of her car as it rolled.
Tuesdays.....I think about picking out her burial clothes.
Wednesdays I remember the horrific visitation that I ended up bolting from, (it actually turned out to be harder on me then the funeral.)
Thursday was the funeral and burial. I tried to leave, but ended up watching her get slowly into the ground. Worst moment of my life hands down.
Friday was the day when her parents picked up her stuff, (gut wrenching) and then I moved out.

After that everything fell apart.
I was jobless, apartment less and most importantly friendless in a matter of 2 weeks.
I had lost 2 friends in high school to suicide, but this was a new kind of grieving for me.
When an unexpected death happens to you, everything changes.
My heart and soul were smashed into a million pieces that day, (and I'm still having trouble finding them all to put myself back together.)
I had no focus to my life.
Nothing to make me happy. Nor did I want to be.
Friends that knew her were getting deep into drinking and drugs to ease their pain, and I knew I didn't want to be a part of that.
The other friends refused to talk about her, to hide their pain instead.

Here's a favorite self portrait she did:


How did I cope?
I dove in and dug around in that nasty gaping wound.
It wasn't fun, but it was the healthiest approach.
I cried.
I screamed.
I had some pretty intense panic attacks.
I ate numerous pre-packaged meals. (I was composed of 60% Lean Cuisine.... the rest was Subway. Thanks for keepin me alive guys!)
To say I fell to pieces would be an understatement.
I could go on and on about that time in my life, And I will, in another post.
I have alot to say, and I know many of you will understand.
It's that club that we're in now.
The one you don't remember signing up for.

Anyway.

On what would've been her 24th birthday I asked the universe, begged really, to give me some kind of focus to my life instead of all the pain.
My wish was granted.

Maeve, born 5/30/08


That's my Maevie. My world.
She has made me want to put my life back together.
Re-opened my eyes to the beauty around us.


I want to set a good example.
I want to have fun with her and LAUGH again!
To be a mom that she is proud of.
(OK, let's be honest, that's going to be hard....I swear like a sailor.
Currently trying out some new cuss words - drat and frick.)
What I find really shocking is she has made me want to be PROUD of myself again.


Oh yeah.....ME.
I was so caught up working my ASS off 80 hours a week, then grieving my friend and then dealing with a complicated pregnancy/infant colic that I forgot there is someone inside this exhausted shell!
*Infant colic will also be very important future posts of mine.

(The kiddy pool bit the dust, and we don't have a sprinkler, so I had to get creative. I'm sure the neighbors loved the hillbilly water feature.)

It's taken me awhile, but I no longer feel weak.
I feel strong, tank-like, from all the bad days I've seen.
I now know there's no such thing as a "bad day."
Not like that one fateful day.
I roll with the punches.
Try to see the bright side in everything.
And I am trying to make the most out of every moment on this Earth.
Now, I am ready for a cleansing.
I need to clean some cobwebs - mentally & physically (My house hasn't been deep cleaned since the intense pregnant nesting phase pre-M, fall 2007. Gross, I know.)

So.

What is my big plan to get some semblance of my life back in order?

1.) Wean & sleep train M. She wakes every 20 minutes all night, which makes the post-baby sex romps difficult. NOT GOOD MY FRIENDS. Plus I'm ready to reclaim the girls. I've nursed her for 15 months now, and I am very proud of myself for lasting this long. But I haven't slept on my stomach in two years - I miss it!
2.) Do a full on body cleanse. We're talking an herbal cleanse, parasite cleanse and I want to try colonics. I know what you're thinking. Pre baby I would've been horrified at the thought, but if I can poop on a table in front of a room full of strangers during birth, I sure as heck pay someone to suck it out of me.
2.) Eat less sugar and cheese. Boo. But I know I will feel so much better!
3.) Finally grow my nails out. I'm a biter.
4.) Finish paying my debt off. Roughly $11,000 or so.
5.) Go back to school and get a college degree.
6.) Get back into crafting on a regular basis.
7.) Explore the Pacific North West. I live in an amazing part of the country and have seen very little of it.

I could probably add about 1/2 dozen more things to that list, but let's keep this realistic.
The important thing is I'm ready to get my life put back together.

It's time to live again!

I still have 3 more years left of my 20's.
There's time to turn things around.
I'm not going to worry about all the bad things that could happen anymore.

After all....

“Change is the only constant” - Proverb